November 2015
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Happy Birthday, Mom.

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Mom, Nov 3 1955 to April 18, 2015…We miss you

Today, my mother would’ve been 60 years old.  I think and I ponder that, and there’s this huge part of me that gets so mad at her.  How dare she die so young?  How could she not take care of herself?  She’s deprived herself of five wonderful grandchildren, and she’s deprived them of a grandmother when they only had one.

It’s been a hard day.  My list of to-do’s was rather long, and by one, I said forget about it. I couldn’t focus.  About the only thing I managed was my workout out on the treadmill, and even that got cut by 10 minutes.  I physically felt the weight of missing my mom today.

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I’ll save you a slice, Mom!

I’ve tried, over the past seven months not to focus on anything but the good.  She’s not in pain, she’s free.  But today…today a little of my anger washed over me.  I’ve centered myself again, lighting a candle.  I have her urn, with her ashes, and I spent some time just talking to her.  She knows how I feel, but more importantly, she knows that I love her and miss her.

So Happy Birthday Mom.  There’s a candle lit, to guide you home.  I put on the spotify list I made as you lay in that hospital bed and I realized it was the end.  I wanted you comfortable, I wanted you surrounded with the sounds and songs you loved.  We have Carrot Cake, which you loved. And most importantly, I’ve cried, mourned, missed and ultimately loved you today.

(And, by the way…it took everything I had not to cry more when Lilia asked to sing happy birthday to you.  I hope you know how much she loved you too.)

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